Any resemblance to actual persons or actual events is purely coincidental.



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I heard it on the wireless: election fever is sweeping America. The world's loudest democracy is headed to the ballot box to vote in its next slate of soda jerks and Chevrolets and whatever else it is they have over there. It's all very exciting.

Can I help? Yes. I've already solved my own country's politics, now it's time to help the benighted and backward people of places like "Connecticut" and "the Oklahoma Panhandle"—fantasy names from a land beyond knowing. People love it when foreigners tell them how to do their own domestic politics, and especially when they have as robust a methodology as I have: a copy of Crusader Kings 3 and most of the DLC.

Using Paradox's premier 1066 simulator, I will ascertain the best way to remove a burrowed-in leader from power. Which real-life figure is this a videogame analogue for? Don't worry about it, don't email me about it, and don't launch a cruise missile at my house.

Don't email me about how the midterms don't choose the president either. I don't know what those words mean.

I first had to create an accurate, 11th-century simulacrum of an American president. None of CK3's historical rulers quite fit the bill, so I decided to create a ruler from scratch.

I created an 80-year-old lecher named Wenzel and put him in charge of the Holy Roman Empire. His defining trait was 'lunatic'.



So that was sorted. Next, I needed a position from which to actually act in the world. I needed to be someone who could effect change in the HRE and test my theories as to the best way to go about removing a leader. This was easier: I simply nosed through Wenzel's myriad direct vassals and picked one who seemed most like some guy, thus to represent the working masses of the American Empire. I've quite genuinely forgotten his name, but he had very few traits and was prone to tuberculosis.

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I've quite genuinely forgotten his name, but he had very few traits and was prone to tuberculosis.

We were off to the races. I immediately cast about to find some means of dislodging the boss. My first solution was simple: plunge the realm in an internecine civil war that scourges the land with blood and fire. Unfortunately, I soon realised I probably wouldn't be allowed to suggest that as an option for the American people in an international videogames publication, so I decided to, like, win an election or something instead. Whatever.

Well, okay, not just win an election. The bloodless paths to power I saw were to either get myself nominated as the old man's heir (HRE elections aren't as regular as modern-day America's—at the time of writing—and so I couldn't replace him directly via one) or to butter him up so nicely that he declares me co-ruler.

I opted for both. My first move was to ply my delicate kaiser with flattery and gifts. He liked flattery and gifts, and as a bonus, by showering him with them I significantly decreased the odds I would wake up to find all my lands redistributed among his wretched children. I increased the odds I would wake up at all, at that.

With my other hand, I penned fawning letters to his most powerful vassals: 'My esteemed lord, my honourable lady, your most munificent worshipfulness…' On and on I went, doling out what little gifts were available to me, and starting schemes to sway and cajole the realm's most powerful. It all seemed, almost boringly, to be coming together. Perhaps the great secret to overcoming your political enemies is… just being plain old nice?



No. Absolutely not. Being nice is just the vague flouncing about you do before you get serious and start organising the guillotines. Though I had successfully gotten a fair few influential figures on-side, none of them seemed inclined to support m...Read more: Full article on www.pcgamer.com

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